Lady Gaga Is Quite The Chameleon

29 Jul

The sequel for Robert Rodriguez’s 2010 shoot-’em-up Machete, the ingeniously named Machete Kills, is famous for its crazy casting. No other film can boast having Mel Gibson, Cuba Gooding Jr., Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, and Spy Kid Alexa Vega on one call sheet. Plus, Charlie Sheen is the president in Machete Land. No joke.

I hope Sheen and Gibson sport equally sexy costumes.

Well, there’s one more name to add to the Machete madness: Lady Gaga. Mother Monster has chosen Rodriguez’s latest film to make her acting debut. Nope, definetely didn’t see that one coming. In Kills she will play La Chameleon, a vampy fox/wolf (?) wearing smoking gun according to a recently released poster (featured below). Weirdly enough Gooding Jr. is listed as “El Chameleon” on IMDb. Are they a team? Or did Rodriguez just drop Gooding’s El for Gaga’s La? Here’s to hoping they’re a kickass biracial couple.

In case you were wondering what this movie could actually be about, the US government sends Danny Trejo’s Machete into Mexico to stop an arms dealer from launching a weapon into space. If anyone can see where Lady Gaga falls into that, please let me know.

I see what you’re doing there… No wait. I don’t. At all.

Rodriguez’s casting choice is clearly just an attempt to help us feel comfortable with Lady Gaga The Actress. Everyone knows that Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino are BFF’s. And everyone knows that Kill Bill Vol. 3 is somewhere in the works (but it’s QT, “in the works” could take 10 years). So, no one should be surprised when Gaga is cast as a very grown up B.B.- it’s bound to happen.


Alert: Carly Rae Jepsen Hasn’t Given Anyone Her Number

14 Jul

This is a hard one for me to write. I have four different “Call Me, Maybe” songs on my iTunes (two remixes, one cover and the Holy Original) and cry every time someone skips it on the radio. But, according to an AP interview, the song about number giving never actually happened. I feel like my whole life is a lie now. Or at least the last few months.


When AP asked Carly Rae Jepsen if she’s ever given a guy her number, her answer was:

“I’ve done brave things for love before or for the possibility of the idea of love, but I’ve never quite done that and I’m pretty sure now that I never can because that would be really, really awkward.”

This was the last quote in the AP article- there were no follow-ups. Journalist Alicia Rancilio should’ve at least asked Jepsen how she came up with the song. Was it someone else’s experience? Did she just think it sounded catchy? Was there ever a hot night? Was the wind blowing? Did anyone have skin showin’? What does this all mean?!

And more importantly: will she write other disturbingly catchy songs about these real life brave actions? The people need to know.

I can never listen to “Call Me, Maybe” again- everything has just changed too much. LOL guys, I’m joking. It’s still totally the best song ever written.

Michael Fassbender’s Going Back To The Future (And Bringing Some Swords)

9 Jul

If you didn’t know this, I love Michael Fassbender. Like a lot. He’s Irish and laughs like a shark and perfect. Also, The Fass may just be the busiest man in Hollywood, he’s like Jessica Chastain but with a famous penis. Currently, he has three movies in progress: the X-Men prequel sequel, a re-teaming with Shame director Steve McQueen, and a Ridley Scott-Brad Pitt-Penelope Cruz thriller. How does he even fit in time for dick jokes?

Sharks take this picture to the dentist.

Well, the Oscar-snubbie (I’m literally never getting over the Academy ignoring Shame) is helming the Assassin’s Creed super blockbuster of the future. AC is a wildly popular video game for everyone that wasn’t sure (like me), with its third installation out in October. The film will star Fassy as a bartender named Desmond Miles (which is appropriately sexy enough for him) who comes from a long line of assassins including those of the Crusades and the Renaissance. Miles can see their crazy blood spurting adventures with some fancypants technology, weaving together past and present. I’m going to assume there’s some classic hero’s journey thrown in there for good measure.

I’m going to die if he has to wear this. Maybe it’s why he decided to produce too.


He has so much [training] to look forward to

AC’s creator Ubisoft is behind the slaughterfest and Fassbender is even producing it. Now, they only have to find a writer, director, distributor… and the Fass also has a pretty full plate right now. Sounds like they’ll be shooting in no time.

Surprise! There’s a New Superhero Movie

23 Jun

Today is my day off from the four other places I’m writing at this summer. Yes, I said four. I’ve considered chopping my hands off just to force myself to stop writing all together. But, I haven’t picked up the cleaver yet. Instead, I’ll just blog about superhero movies since there’s apparently an unlimited list of them. I predict a year of only superhero movies sometime in the future. Nothing else. I wonder when the Academy will recognize them as a category, it’s only a matter of time.

“And the Oscar goes to: Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark in Iron Man: M3tal 7engeance”

A day or two passed without a new superhero property press release (mon dieu!) and one clearly had to be made. A Vulture exclusive  announced that professional Will Smith fan Barry Sonnenfeld (director of the Men In Black trilogy and Wild Wild West) is adapting DC comic The Metal Men. You’ve never heard of it either? Cool, I’m not alone. Metal Men hasn’t been around since the 1960s so that would probably explain it.

Oh those poor costume designers

The Metal Men were created by genius scientist Doc Magnus as cyborgs with the personalities of their namesake elements. There’s five actual cyborg-men in the Metal Men including Gold, the leader of the group, Iron, the strong silent type, Lead, the slow one, Mercury, the hothead who probably shouldn’t have any social contact and Tin with his low self esteem. Platinum is the girl of the Metal Men, so it should probably be renamed the Metal Group or the Metal People… but those sound more like musical ensembles. Tina as she’s called is fiery and incorrectly thinks she’s a Real Girl. Plus she’s obviously in love with her creator because even robots can have an Electra Complex.

Since this is a DC adaptation, who knows when it’ll get made? 2035? The Justice League movie has had more set backs than Lindsay Lohan’s attempt at a stable career (c’mon LiLo, we’re rooting for ya) and that’s something people are actually looking forward to. Sonnenfeld also has six movies in production according to IMDb, one of which sounds like a true winner: Dominion: Dinosaurs vs. Aliens. So, don’t expect to see Will Smith as Gold next summer. Unless, he decides to dip himself and his family in gold to prove that they are in fact the most superior family in America.

Jada’s already started the transformation

Django’s Teaser Trailer Unchained

7 Jun

As I’ve said on here before, Fight Club is my favorite movie. But, David Fincher is definitely not my favorite director.  That honor goes to Quentin Tarantino, of Pulp Fiction and Inglorious Basterds fame. I have the Quentin Tarantino and Philosophy book and everything. That man is a genius.

Yes, this is actually a book.

It often feels like Tarantino is chasing his master piece. He clearly thought it was going to be Basterds. The last lines literally spelled it out for us: “I think this might just be my master piece,” drawled by Brad Pitt. Well, QT is taking another shot with Django “The D Is Silent” Unchained.
While the lucky basterds at Cannes saw seven minutes of clips more than two weeks ago, us plebeians had to wait for the teaser trailer that came out yesterday. And was it worth the wait. Take a couple of minutes to enjoy the shotgun fest that is Django Unchained.

That’s the only movie that could get me in a movie theater on Christmas. I mean, how awesome does that look? It’ll be competeing with fellow Christmas baby, The Great Gatsby, but we all know those are two very different demographics (and will create lots of date arguments).

Trailers always leave you with way too many questions and confused observations. Django was no different for me.

  • How many mainstream white directors aren’t actually terrified to touch a slavery story? Let alone write one too?
  • Where has Christoph Waltz been all QT’s life?
  • Who styled Django’s ‘fro? It’s so well coiffed.
  • Was this filmed on the set of Deadwood?!
  •  Wait a freakin’ minute. Leo is staring in to two early Oscar contenders… that are coming out on the same day. You smart basterd.
  • Jamie Foxx you’re surprisingly better than I imagined. I miss Will Smith (first cast as Django) a lot less than I thought I would.
  • Where did that random lake/pond/creek scene come from?
  • Leo, you look like you’re enjoying yourself for once! How exciting!
  • No shotguns were harmed in the shooting of this film.
  • Was that Colonel Sanders? No, but really, was that Col. Sanders?
  • Who actually got Django/Jammie Foxx in a dandy outfit? He looks like E.B on Deadwood.
  • “I like the way you die, boy,” will be on dorm posters everywhere by 2013.

Finish opening those presents early to catch Django Unchained, out this Christmas. Or don’t and do something normal like spending time with your family this holiday season. Totally up to you.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream For TV Scream?

4 Jun

Sometimes, networks make logical decisions with the television shows they develop. Those networks are usually called ABC or CBS, but at least it’s something. And then, there are the moves that make negative sense. MTV just pulled one of those ninja moves on us. I don’t know why, but expect to see Scream: The Series in the near future.

At least costuming will be cheap.

I guess, reality-giant MTV is banking on the success of movie-to-TV semi-hit Teen Wolf. The “horror” show has survived off of viewers who went in to mock the hottie-filled Wolf only to get hooked on Colton HaynesScream 4 only made $40 million domestically and I’m pretty sure anything without fangs, fur, or a hunger for brains isn’t trendy yet. Although I’m pretty skeptical, I’m actually excited to watch Scream develop. I mean who thought this was ever going to happen? Like, ever?

The masterminds behind the original Scream films, Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven, have yet to have their roles in the project (if any) discussed. Craven isn’t currently up to anything, while Williamson is executive producer and “developer” to actual hit The Vampire Diaries. We do know that MTV producers Tony DiSanto and Liz Gately are on board. DiSanto and Gately have both worked on Paris Hilton’s My New BFFso I guess they are good at terrifying audiences. That’s promising.

I find this way scarier than a masked serial killer. Don’t you?

SNL Is Turning Into A Lonely Island

2 Jun

When Kristen Wiig decided to leave Saturday Night Live, that was hard enough. Her graduation sketch was mildly heart breaking and I had “Ruby Tuesday” stuck in my head for about  a week. But at least all of her fans had the chance to enjoy a cathartic good-bye (and I made a sweet gallery of her best characters at my internship #ObviousSelfPromotion).
But, there were two other comedians on that stage rumored to be leaving as well. Jason Sudeikis (who’s been at SNL since 2003) and one of my favorites, Andy Samberg (who joined the cast in 2005). Unfortunately, one of them has made his decision and it’s Samberg.  Yes, the creator of Digital Shorts like “I’m On A Boat” and “Jack Sparrow” is leaving SNL. Hopefully, The Lonely Island does come back for the occasional video.

“Sorry, guys…”

Yesterday, Samberg told the New York Times he had officially decided not to return.  The funny man described the move as “one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made,” but felt similarly to Wiig. ““She kept saying it just feels like it’s her time, I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it’s the moment.” Why do all the good ones have to go at the same time?!
Samberg has the Adam Sandler lead comedy Thats’s My Boy coming out this month, and two other movies completed. With so much time on his hands, I hope to see him in a lot more projects.
I’ll just thank my lucky stars that Bill Hader hasn’t decided to leave yet. Although, he should start doing more movies since he’s kind of the funniest person ever. Plus, he totally had the best line in Men In Black 3 as Andy Warhol.

“I can’t tell the men from the women, K.”

The ball is in your court now, Jason Sudeikis.