Surprise! There’s a New Superhero Movie

23 Jun

Today is my day off from the four other places I’m writing at this summer. Yes, I said four. I’ve considered chopping my hands off just to force myself to stop writing all together. But, I haven’t picked up the cleaver yet. Instead, I’ll just blog about superhero movies since there’s apparently an unlimited list of them. I predict a year of only superhero movies sometime in the future. Nothing else. I wonder when the Academy will recognize them as a category, it’s only a matter of time.

“And the Oscar goes to: Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark in Iron Man: M3tal 7engeance”

A day or two passed without a new superhero property press release (mon dieu!) and one clearly had to be made. A Vulture exclusive  announced that professional Will Smith fan Barry Sonnenfeld (director of the Men In Black trilogy and Wild Wild West) is adapting DC comic The Metal Men. You’ve never heard of it either? Cool, I’m not alone. Metal Men hasn’t been around since the 1960s so that would probably explain it.

Oh those poor costume designers

The Metal Men were created by genius scientist Doc Magnus as cyborgs with the personalities of their namesake elements. There’s five actual cyborg-men in the Metal Men including Gold, the leader of the group, Iron, the strong silent type, Lead, the slow one, Mercury, the hothead who probably shouldn’t have any social contact and Tin with his low self esteem. Platinum is the girl of the Metal Men, so it should probably be renamed the Metal Group or the Metal People… but those sound more like musical ensembles. Tina as she’s called is fiery and incorrectly thinks she’s a Real Girl. Plus she’s obviously in love with her creator because even robots can have an Electra Complex.

Since this is a DC adaptation, who knows when it’ll get made? 2035? The Justice League movie has had more set backs than Lindsay Lohan’s attempt at a stable career (c’mon LiLo, we’re rooting for ya) and that’s something people are actually looking forward to. Sonnenfeld also has six movies in production according to IMDb, one of which sounds like a true winner: Dominion: Dinosaurs vs. Aliens. So, don’t expect to see Will Smith as Gold next summer. Unless, he decides to dip himself and his family in gold to prove that they are in fact the most superior family in America.

Jada’s already started the transformation

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