What I’ve Learned From: Breaking Dawn Part 1

24 Nov

I’ll be honest. The summer of 2008, I went to Borders just like every other teenage girl who knew how to read and bought Breaking Dawn. Devoured it in days, probably hours, and enjoyed every second of it. Then at some point I realized the err of my ways and stop-drop–rolled off the Twilight Bandwagon. Despite my epiphany, I’ve seen every Twilight Saga film for some darkly comedic reason.

Hey hawtie, 'sup?

Today at 10:40pm I sat down for the most stressful hour-and-fifty minutes of my life. Here are some life lessons the KStew-RPatz-Antichemistry fest taught me, so you don’t have to go through the same discomfort I did.

-When you’re upset bursting out of your house and clothes= best possible idea. Go to Northern Canada. (Do not pass go, do not collect $200)

-Make-out for as long as possible at your wedding. Not going to make anyone uncomfortable. Like dad.

-Speaking of dad… If you’re a cop. And have a gun. And can hunt, your daughter’s husband better be a damn good one.

-A film about Charlie Swan would be far more compelling.

-Remember to brush your teeth, shave and go through all your underwear before you lose It. Hell, go for a swim too.

-Bruises are not a problem after losing said It.

-Playing chess in nautical inspired outfits lower libido. #ProvenFact

-Brazilians can sense vampires better than Americans. (Especially maids)

How are they dancing with a clear vampire 'round them?

-Vampires can go into shock.

-YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BOW TO ANYONE if you’re the grandson of a chief. It’s probably time to break from the pack if you’re asked to.

-If you’re making a health decision that affects every single person that cares about you…listen to no one. Except for the one chick that desperately wants what you have.

-Don’t accept sandwiches from vampires.

-Only saying the word “possibly” makes you part of the cast. Various types of kicking does too.

-Normal pregnancy craving? Blood. Cool. Let’s get a straw.

-An animated skeleton with a broken rib cage can still walk around.

And somehow she was just roaming the house...

– If the demonic vampire baby likes the sound of your voice, s’all good bro.

-Never speak about the birthing scene. Ever. Again.

-STOP. YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH THE BABY. Everybody get OUT. #ImprintingProblems

-Being in love with a baby is totally cool too by the way. Like that pregnancy craving.

-Vampirism is a great alternative to a dye-job and plastic surgery…and color contacts.

At least Breaking Dawn Part 2 will be far less stressful. Just even creepier (#ImprintingProblems) and anti-climactic. I know I’m looking forward to the wisdom that shall be imparted unto me come November 16, 2012, are you?

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